Does Your Band Suck?

Does your band suck? If 2 or more of the following statements apply to your band, chances are it sucks. (Also pertains to artists.)

1. You only play in 4/4 time

2. Your drummer is a lead vocalist

3. You sing about suicide/depression in a serious manner

 4. You are Nickelback

 5. Your drummer's cymbals are not within arms length

 6. You repeatedly say the name of your band in your songs (exceptions:... Beastie Boys, Swollen Members)

 7. You rhyme "girl" and "world"

 8. You are Great Big Sea

 9. You can't properly perform your recordings live

10. You have a dj

11. You are Motley Crue

12. 2 members of your band sing into one micrphone

13. You spend more time on your hair than your music

14. You have guitar solos without distinguishable rhythm

15. Any member of your band owns a Kid Rock cd

16. You were crippled on Degrassi: TNG

17. You wear masks or face paint on stage (exception: The Locust)

18. You spell the name of your band incorrectly

19. A child is a member of your band (exception: Hanson)

20. Jeff isn't a member of your band.

Music Is For Musicians.

When the aliens come down to earth to see what we've become, I doubt they'll believe what humans have done with technology.

People have displayed their share of brilliance, creating things that, sadly, I would be truly lost without. Then there are those who are misled. Their intentions may have been pure and good, but everything has just fallen to shit, quite frankly. Alright that's a bit unfair; not everything - but enough.
More specifically, look at what people have done to music.

It used to be that you had to work for success, you had to be good at something for people to spare you a second thought. Now all you have to do is have access to a computer.
We went from Beethoven to Motley Crue; Tchaikovsky to New Kids On the Block; jazz big bands to the digital disco crap that's currently in fashion. The way we're going, Doomsday is the best thing that could happen (and I think it goes without saying that this statement is not limited to just the music of today).

Those of you who are up-in-arms right now, I'm shocked that you're still reading this. Congratulations on making it this far; there may be hope for you yet. But really, think about it. There was a time when we worshipped pianists, or any other person who possessed talent. Composers earned their stripes, working tirelessly, playing multiple (tangible) instruments, often working themselves to death or worse. As uncomfortable as life must have been back then, I wish that I could've seen that kind of talent and passion. Sure, people threw their feces in the street, but presently I'm getting shit in my ears anyway.

So where have humans gone wrong? The only answer I can come up with is technology. If we weren't constantly trying to "improve" our lives and find new ways to be lazy, we would still be attending operas and orchestral concerts - the horror! Can you imagine actually having to sit through an entire concert? You couldn't even get up during the commercials for a burger!
For our level of lazyness, we sure have a horrible attention span.
But that's beside the point.

I suppose it's not only technology. After all, there are people who have embraced it, and actually found ways to put it to good use. A rare bunch, mind you. So what's wrong with the rest of you? Why must you shit in my ear?

And to that you must be thinking, "if you don't like it, why are you listening to it?"
And to that I reply: I'm not a hermit. I go outside my house, and what happens the moment I step onto the sidewalk? Why, a car rolls by, very loudly displaying the driver's musical taste. The moment I set foot inside a mall or store, they've programmed the worst possible songs to invade my personal space. I even have friends that turn against me musically. There's no escaping the mainstream. Unfortunately, I can't remember a time when that was a good thing. I've even stopped listening to radio stations that play my preferred genres of music - "genres" are too vague, don't you think? What is "rock"? It used to be Elvis, then The Rollong Stones, then Nickelback, and now... I don't know, what do you kids listen to these days? Oh right, I'm discussing the wrong genre... it gets much worse than Nickelback.

Onto rap and R&B and pop and... all that piss. I mean what the hell is all of that grumbling and note fluctuation? Rap is just monotone grunting most of the time, usually about any or all of the following: money, sex, guns. R&B occasionally has a talented voice involved, but it's got the same dull thuds of rap repeating in the background. And pop? What's up with that? It's just a bunch of kids! I mean it wasn't good even when grown men and women ran that ship but now it's getting ridiculous. Where are all of the adults? Why can't y'all stop your vermin from poisoning music - and tv, for that matter? Aren't you worried for them? Aren't you worried for all of us? Can you not hear them? Oh, right, you're off reminiscing with your turntables. I suppose you're all deaf now anyway...

So children are ruining the world. Well done. I thought people had to be licensed for everything? You need a license for driving, plumbing, even owning a dog! But you can make "music", no matter who you are and how little talent you have. Makes sense. Let's regulate ownership of pets, but not children taking over the world. Let's make sure the guy with the piece of paper plunges our toilet over the guy without the certificate. There's a huge difference between those guys. But music - yeah, anyone can do that!

Most people nowadays don't listen to music for the actual music itself, merely for the social connotations. Why else would you listen to Drake or Justin Bieber? It's not because they have anything to offer, surely. Kids think that if they listen to a certain sound, they'll be popular and/or attractive. Don't ask me how they reached that conclusion. I kind of don't want my own children simply because they wouldn't be aloud to socialize, watch tv, use a computer... you get it. Anyway, I guess kids just like nursery rhymes set to boring computerized beats. The mainstream can never be anything too complicated after all, since no one would be able to comprehend it. The rich people need to dumb down everything so that the simple moldable minds of today can fathom it, hum along even if they've never heard it before.

You know what I like? A challenge. Something different. Something that I can honestly say is unique and worthy of my time. I'm not saying my time is worth much, but when I'm old, I don't want to look back and realize I spent my whole life listening to one song masquerading as hundreds of different ones.

In conclusion, musicians are the only humans who can comprehend music, the only ones who actually listen to real music in and of itself. 
That's why our motto is "music is for musicians."